


I Wish You Knew What I Want (That I Want You)

by 00trumpet



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-04
Updated: 2019-07-04
Packaged: 2020-06-07 19:01:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,599
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19475362
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/00trumpet/pseuds/00trumpet
Summary: Alex and Christen are best friends, so when Christen falls in love, she wants Alex to fall in love too. And so Alex meets the perfect girl. And falls in love. But the perfect girl does not fall in love with her.akaAlex loves Kelley, so much, and it hurts. It always hurts.





	I Wish You Knew What I Want (That I Want You)

Alex’s closest friend is Christen Press, who Alex is pretty sure is the prettiest girl in the whole world.

Tragically, they do not make a good couple. They tried it in high school, and then again in college. 

They’re great friends, ever since they were put on the same soccer team when they were eight, and they get along so well. They played a forward duo and their unmatchable chemistry made them a threat to any soccer team in southern California. 

Their freshman year of high school, Christen comes out to Alex as a lesbian.

“So you don’t like guys, like, at all?”

“Nope.”

“Damn, lucky.”

-

Their sophomore year, Alex’s boyfriend breaks up with her right before the playoffs start.

“I’m so done with men.”

“You don’t mean that, Al.”

“I do. Guys are dumb and I hate them.”

“Well, I can’t argue with that logic.”

-

That year, they win the championship in overtime on a beautiful goal, scored by Christen and assisted by Alex.

When the seniors on the team throw a raging party to celebrate, and invite Christen and Alex, they can’t say no. 

When they split a beer, they become just tipsy enough to agree to a game of spin the bottle.

When Alex spins and it lands on Christen, Christen immediately begins to freak out.

“You don’t have to, Al.”

“I do, that’s the rules.”

“But I’m gay, Alex. It’s different.”

“Not really. Pucker up, cutie.”

“You don’t have to, Alex.”

“Christen, kiss me.”

-

They kiss long enough that they get a wolf-whistle of approval from their captain.

“I think Press just turned Alex. That’s every lesbian’s dream.”

“I didn’t  _ turn _ anybody. Alex and I are just friends.”

“Tell that to Alex’s tongue that was just in your mouth. It only had to be a peck.”

Alex’s face starts to grow hot because she  _ liked _ that kiss and  _ oh my god, are they right? Did Christen turn me? _

She can tell Christen is getting increasingly uncomfortable (she doesn’t feel too hot herself) and reaches out to take her hand. 

“Chris, can we go home? I’m tired.”

“Of course, Al.”

“Yeah, make sure to get your girlfriend home.”

-

They stay up all night in Christen’s room, cuddling on Christen’s bed so that they can look through the window and see the moon.

“What did they mean when they said you _ turned _ me?”

“It’s dumb, Al. Don’t worry about it.”

“Please tell me?”

Christen sighs and turns on her side so she’s facing Alex. “Sometimes people joke that you can  _ turn _ a straight girl, and make them like girls. You know, if you’re,” she pauses, and averts her eyes so she can look at  _ anything _ but her best friend. “ _ Good _ enough.”

“Good enough at what?”

“Being gay, I guess.”

“Oh.” Alex repositions so she’s looking up at the ceiling again and is silent for a few moments. “Did you turn me?”

“It’s not real, Al. People are who they are.”

Alex turns again to face Christen. “Well, what am I?”

Christen frowns. “I don’t know, that’s kind of for you to figure out.”

“How do I figure it out? How did,” she pauses and chews on her lip. “How did  _ you _ figure it out?”

Christen thinks for a moment. “I realized that the way other girls like guys, is how I feel about girls.”

“Can you feel that way about both?”

“Sure, it’s called bisexual.”

Alex hums softly and turns back to the ceiling, as if tucking that information away for later. “I liked when you kissed me.”

“Yeah?”

“I want you to do it again.”

Christen stays silent, unmoving, trying to process if that’s what Alex  _ really _ just said.

“Christen,” she says softly. She leans up on the bed and Christen follows suit, so they’re sitting next to each other. She looks down at Christen’s lips for a moment before back up to her eyes. “Kiss me again.”

So she does.

-

They date for eight months, and it’s really nice. Alex decides that she’s bisexual, or at least she thinks she is. She likes Christen and holding Christen’s hand and being Christen’s girlfriend, and that’s enough for her. The labels don’t really matter.

But something about it is so dreadfully  _ off _ . 

It’s a little bit wonderful, because they’re already best friends, so things are easy. When they’re stressed about a test or when there’s a bad day or when there’s even just the slightest inconvenience, they’re a little bit perfect for each other. Alex knows exactly how Christen likes her tea and Christen makes Alex’s coffee better than anyone else. They’re basically perfect at cuddling with each other or calming the other down and nothing brightens their day like seeing the other.

But if they try to have a formal date, where they go out to a nice dinner or see a romantic movie or do anything  _ traditional romance _ , it feels a little bit wrong. 

One day, they try to talk about their futures, and they immediately fall into the descriptions they’ve discussed for the past eight years. Christen wants to get a sperm donor and wants three kids and Alex is insistent on adopting only one, two if they’re siblings because  _ you can’t separate siblings, Chris. _ Christen’s dream house looks nothing like what Alex would like and when they try to plan their dream wedding, they disagree on everything.

-

“Alex, I love you, but I would rather  _ die _ than have an indoor wedding. I am having an outdoor wedding, with or without you.”

“We’re 16, I think you’re being a tad dramatic.”

“I think you should know better than to call me dramatic.”

-

So they talk about it, and decide that they are  _ much _ better off as friends. They’re always there for each other, they love each other, and all the important parts of their relationship change seamlessly back to friendship.

They kind of miss the sex, though.

-

They stay best friends, and go to the same college, and continue to be each other’s rock. 

For a few months of their junior year of college, they start dating again, because what do you do when everything feels like a little too much? You go to the person that completely understands and loves you. 

And has great sex with you, because sex is a  _ wonderful _ stress reliever.

-

“You’ve improved a lot in the last four years.”

“To be fair, it was my first time.”

“Mine too, dummy.”

-

Once the stress of junior year is over, and they have summer break, they remember all those reasons they didn’t last back in high school. They go back to being best friends like nothing happened.

-

Sometimes their friends ask “is it awkward to tell new people you date that you lost your virginity to the person you’re still best friends with?”

The answer is always “what the fuck do you think, of course it’s awkward.”

-

After they graduate, they move back to LA together. Alex starts teaching at a middle school in the area and Christen starts her job as a reporter. 

Christen meets Tobin through her job, because Tobin is the sports analyst, and Alex thinks Tobin is the nicest and funniest person she’s ever met.

Tobin and Christen hit it off immediately, and fall in love soon after, and Alex is really happy that her best friend is so deeply in love.

Tobin introduces Alex to her best friend, Kelley, who’s funny and sweet and kind of perfect.

Christen and Tobin set them up on a blind date after they’ve been dating for a couple months or so, because  _ Alex, I don’t care how busy you are, you need to get laid because you are totally bumming me out, and it would be so cute if you two went on double dates with me and Tobin _ .

When Alex sees Kelley that first time, she’s already a goner. Kelley walks into the cafe and locks eyes with her. She shines a smile that’s brighter and sweeter than any Alex has ever had the pleasure of seeing, and takes the seat across from her.

“Alex, right? Tobin’s told me so much about you.”

“Good things, I hope,” Alex says with a laugh and Kelley’s grin, somehow, grows a bit bigger. 

“Tobin kind of made it sound like there were only good things to tell,” Kelley admits.

“Christen talked you up plenty, too, don’t worry.”

Kelley laughs and waits a moment. “So, did Christen not tell you my name?”

“No, she did!” Alex laughs and brushes her hair out of her face and  _ god _ why is she so  _ nervous _ . “Sorry, your name is Kelley.”

“It is,” Kelley laughs and reaches out for a handshake that feels far too formal. 

Alex takes it anyway and something about Kelley’s hand, Kelley  _ entirely _ , feels so  _ warm _ and  _ light _ and a little bit like everything Alex has ever wanted. 

“So, uhm,” Kelley palms her neck. “Do you hate these blind dates as much as I do?”

Alex feels the tension drain from her shoulders and smiles. “I  _ do _ , I really do. I mean, our  _ best friends _ set us up, so what if we don’t even like each other? How do we tell our  _ best _ friends that they were wrong? Shouldn’t they know better?”

Kelley laughs and laughs and something about Alex makes her want to not stop laughing. “Exactly! Like Tobs, I love you man, but I’m not even  _ looking for someone _ right now.”

“Me either!” Ales throws her hands up in the air. “I am  _ too busy _ for a relationship right now! I can honestly barely take care of myself.”

“So what do you do that keeps you so busy?”

Alex can’t help but smile because it’s such a seamless segue into a new conversation and Kelley is  _ oozing _ confidence and she genuinely seems interested and, well, Alex may be too busy for a relationship but if she had to pick someone, she’d pick Kelley in a heartbeat.

Kelley is still smiling, waiting patiently for Alex’s answer, and Alex feels like an  _ idiot _ for sitting there just smiling. 

“I teach!” She finally says. “I teach middle school, history and spanish classes.”

“That’s super cool! So you like kids?”

“I love kids! They’re honestly the best, they’re so sweet and amazing. There’s the terrible ones of course,” she pauses to laugh, and Kelley laughs with her. “But the good ones are  _ so  _ worth it. They really are,” she’s gushing and she knows it, but Kelley is just smiling at her with those sparkling eyes, so she doesn’t feel too bad about it. “What do you do?”

“I’m currently working as an entry-level engineer at a company that works to reduce energy consumption and operational cost for bigger companies.” 

Alex stares for a moment, trying to process. “So you’re super smart?”

Kelley laughs, unable to help herself, and then Alex feels her cheeks grow hot because of  _ course _ that was the only response she could think of. “Yeah, sure, you could say that.”

“Sorry, I just heard the word engineer and I thought  _ wow, smart  _ and _ pretty, a double threat _ .”

Kelley laughs again, throwing her head back in the air. It’s loud, filling the whole cafe and Alex finds herself enchanted by the sound. “I’m also really good with my hands, so really, a triple threat” she adds with a wink, and Alex knows that if she wasn’t blushing before, she is now. “Let me get you a refill.” She stands from their table, taking Alex’s cup before she can stop her.

Alex finds herself staring as Kelley walks away, completely blindsided by how effortless their conversation has been so far. 

Kelley brings back Alex’s coffee as well as a drink for herself and they stay there talking for so long that they end up going to lunch together afterwards. The conversation continues to flow, and by the time they part, Alex is pretty sure that she  _ really _ likes this girl. 

And when they do decide to part ways, Kelley says, “well I’m really glad Tobin and Press decided to set this up. You’re pretty cool.” She gives her a hug and Alex smiles, leaning into it. “If I was looking for a relationship, you’d be my first choice, Al.” Kelley winks and Alex tries to ignore the way her heart falls, remembering suddenly that this whole thing started with them both saying they didn’t want to start dating.

_ Okay, I lied. I want to start dating. I want to date you. _ Alex forces a grin and nods. “Same, for sure.”

“And we’re definitely friends now,” Kelley continues as she pulls away, “so we don’t have to tell our best friends they got it wrong.” She laughs easily and Alex just nods again. 

“For sure.”

“I’ll catch you later then?”

“For sure.”  _ Stop saying that, you big dummy. You told her you don’t want a relationship. You know she doesn’t want one. Then you went and spent three hours with her and fell in love. You big dummy. _

Kelley walks away, that signature grin still across her face, and Alex sighs. 

She walks to her car and the first thing she does is text Christen.  _ I am an idiot.  _

Christen’s response is immediate.  _ Was it that bad? _

_ No, it was perfect. It was perfect and she was perfect.  _

_ So why are you an idiot? _

_ Because we opened up with both of us saying “I don’t want a relationship.”  _ Alex sends another text before Christen can respond.  _ Then I fell in love with her. _

_ Whyyy would you start with that? It was a DATE. _

_ Because I’m dumb. _

-

It has been three months since Alex met Kelley. Three months of her being a little bit in love with someone who thinks of her as just a friend. 

Which is  _ fine _ . A-okay. Alex can do pining. Alex can be  _ just friends _ . She’s got this. 

And they’re good friends! And it’s great! It really is! It’s nice, and like Alex keeps telling herself, she doesn’t have time for a relationship anyway. This is her first year as a  _ real _ teacher, and she doesn’t have the time for all of that. 

But then they meet for coffee, the four of them; wait-- five. 

There’s Christen, Tobin, Alex, Kelley, and...Kelley’s new girlfriend.

Alex is  _ happy _ for her, really. Kelley is a good friend, she wants Kelley to be happy. 

But it hurts a little bit. 

Because that means Kelley was ready for relationship, just didn’t really want one with Alex. 

Which is  _ fine _ . Kelley is allowed to like whoever she wants, date whoever she wants, do  _ whatever _ to  _ whoever _ she wants. And Alex is completely, totally, fine with that. 

(No she isn’t.)

-

The relationship lasts 3 months. 

Kelley is  _ attached _ . Alex has known Kelley for about 6 months, the last three of those with Kelley dating this other girl (Samantha, which Alex for a completely unbiased reason thinks is the dumbest name she’s ever heard) and well, Alex loves Kelley. 

And Kelley loves Samantha.

And Samantha breaks Kelley’s heart.

Kelley shows up at Alex’s apartment that she shares with Christen, crying, asking for her. Begging for her. 

Christen answers and frowns, helping Kelley in and onto the couch, calling Alex, who’s still at the school.

“I can’t right now, I have a kid here who’s doing a make-up test.”

“Well, Kelley needs you.”

_ Kelley needs me _ . The words echo in her head, again and again and again. “I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

She gets another teacher to watch the student for her, claiming  _ family emergency _ , and she leaves. 

She holds Kelley while she cries; comforting her and being there for her and loving her. She whispers all the perfect things, the  _ she didn’t deserve you _ s and the  _ you’ll find someone _ s and the  _ it’s okay, I’m here _ s. She’s just what Kelley needs, rubbing her back and making hot chocolate and cuddling on the couch through shitty rom coms. 

And Alex ignores the fact that she’s in love. That she so badly wants to love the girl in her arms, kiss the girl in her arms, make everything better for the girl in her arms. She ignores all of it. 

And when Kelley spends the night in Alex’s bed, tucked into her neck, still silently crying, and stays over the next day, with Alex calling in sick so she can be there for Kelley and make her breakfast, and leans on Alex for every little thing over the next week, Alex pretends it’s fine. She pretends that she’s just a good friend. She pretends it doesn’t break her heart. 

And when Christen says  _ can we talk? _ after Kelley has spent a week in their apartment, Alex knows it’s an intervention. 

“You’re in love with her.” It isn’t a question. It isn’t an accusation. It’s just a fact.

Alex looks away. She looks at the floor, the chair, the tv,  _ anything _ but the pity on Christen’s face. 

“You don’t have to be there for her like this.”

“I do.”

“It’s breaking your heart.”

“You honestly think it wouldn’t break my heart  _ more _ to turn her away?” Alex looks up at her, finally, and Christen can see the pain across her face. 

“Al, I love you too much to watch this happen.”

“I know you’re trying to help, but,” she shrugs, pulling away from the comforting hand Christen places on her shoulder. “I can’t turn her away. I can’t let her go through this alone.”

Christen’s silent for a few moments, then finally says “okay.” 

And so Alex goes back to being in love with Kelley, and being everything Kelley needs, and being single. 

-

The time seems to go by quickly, too quickly. Month after month goes by and Alex insists she’s still too busy to date, even though with each month she gets less and less busy.

The lesson plans are easier to make and her teacher friends help collaborate with her on the events she runs and her free time opens up. 

-

She tries to pull away from Kelley, who seems to get into relationship after relationship. And deal with heartbreak after heartbreak. And needs Alex to get through all of it. 

Kelley and Tobin and Christen try to set her up every few months because  _ you need a lover, Al!  _ or  _ this guy I met is perfect for you!  _ or  _ my new coworker is  _ just _ your type! _ but it’s to no avail because, as much as she hates it, she can’t get over Kelley. 

It gets better. A lot better. After about a year and a half of knowing Kelley (of loving Kelley), Alex is able to quiet down that aching feeling to a dull throb. She can hug Kelley without her touch feeling like it burns and she can see Kelley kiss her girlfriend (whichever one it happens to be at the time) without getting nauseous. 

She leans on Christen through it. A  _ lot _ . Christen is her best friend, has been her best friend for fifteen years. And she finds herself missing Christen. 

Everything is so  _ hard _ right now. Sure, teaching is easier than it was her first year and being there for Kelley is easier than it was the first time and  _ everything _ is easier now, but it’s still hard. Life is hard. And she misses Christen. 

Christen is here, she’s always there for Alex, but she moves out. She and Tobin have been together for what’s coming up on two years now, and so it makes sense that they move in together. 

Alex just hadn’t realized how  _ lonely _ it would be. 

And so she feels like she’s getting over Kelley, maybe, but her best friend moved out and she just started as the soccer coach for the middle school and her favorite students all moved on to high school, and things are hard.

And the last time things were this hard? She dated Christen. And that made everything easier. 

But that isn’t really an option this time, is it? 

So Alex stays lonely. And continues to pine over Kelley. And miss her time with Christen. 

And as the years start to go by, Alex starts to wonder if it  _ will _ work out for her in the end. If she’ll get the happy ending. 

Because she’s not so sure anymore.

-

After just over three years in LA, Alex is still feeling lonely. She’s leaning on her teacher friends more, and the soccer season is starting to take off, and her team is  _ good _ .

And things are okay, not great, but okay. This is her third year of teaching and she loves it so much, and she loves coaching so much, and things are okay.

She’s still in love with Kelley. And she’s still lonely. But things are okay.

-

Christen and Alex have dinner, picnicking on the beach because it’s been awhile since they’ve hung out just the two of them, Christen claimed she  _ absolutely needed some time with her best friend _ .

They eat, enjoying each other’s company for awhile until Alex can’t help it.

“So what exactly was so urgent?”

“I think Tobin is going to propose,” Christen says, dragging her fingers in the sand.

Alex’s jaw drops as she stares at Christen, and she knows that the expression on her face is hurt and anguish and she  _ hates it, hates it, hates it _ because she  _ wants  _ to be happy for her best friend, she does, but she’s so sad for herself at the same time.

Christen waits for a beat or two of silence before saying, “Al?”

“I’m, I’m happy that you’re happy,” she manages to say, but it sounds just as fake as it feels. 

“What’s wrong?” Christen starts reaching for Alex's hand but Alex just pulls away.

“Nothing,” she says, but her face grows hot and Alex knows that Christen knows she’s lying. 

“You’re in love with me,” Christen says, and it’s not a question but a revelation, more so, and it stops Alex dead in her tracks. 

“I—what, I’m—no, I’m not,” Alex struggles, stammering through the words like they’re going to escape from her if she can’t say them fast enough. 

“Alex, it’s okay—“

“I’m not in love with you,” but Alex says it too quickly, too defiantly, and Christen’s heart aches. 

“Al,” Christen’s voice is soft and comforting, washing over Alex like a warm rain in early spring. “You can always be honest with me.”

“It’s not that I’m in love with you right now, I—I did, you know that, but,” she sighs, cutting herself off. “It’s not you, specifically. It’s, it’s the not being loved.”

“Alex,” Christen’s face falls as she reaches out for Alex’s hand. “What happened?”

“I love Kelley. But you knew that.” She laughs but it’s without humor. “I’m not in love with you anymore but I still—I have these memories of you, of us,” she sighs. “Kelley doesn’t love me, not like that. No one does.” Her eyes drop to the sand as Christen squeezes her fingers. 

“What does that have to do with me, with us?”

“Because I miss it—not you, necessarily, but I miss being loved, being happy.” She wipes away a tear she didn’t know was there and smiles almost in spite of herself. “And those memories,” she trails off, looking down at the water beyond them. “You’re never in love again like you were when you’re young and barefoot on the beach in the middle of the night.” She looks up to meet Christen’s eyes. “I’ll never be in love again like I was with you.”

Christen smiles sympathetically, shaking her head. “Yes, Alex, of course you will be.” She laughs and squeezes Alex’s finger so she looks back up. “Stop looking at the past like everything was perfect between us. You know what else happened when we were young and on the beach and in love?”

“What?”

“You got stung by a jellyfish, remember? And we had to rush home, which meant our parents found out we weren’t  _ actually _ at a sleepover, and then we were  _ both _ grounded for a month.” Christen says it so matter-of-factly, that Alex can't help as the smile grows on her face.

“You're right,” she admits. They both start laughing, softly at first, then getting louder and louder until the beach is filled with their laughter and they’re falling over each other on the sand.

After the laughing that goes on for what feels like forever, they hug. It’s a little too tight to breathe properly but it’s exactly what Alex needs, so they hug until everything feels like it’s going to be okay again.

“I’m really excited for you,” Alex finally says before pulling away.

“For what?”

“The engagement?”

“Oh yeah.” Christen laughs as she stands, brushing the sand from her legs then reaching an arm out to Alex. “I’m really excited for me, too.”

-

Christen was right. Tobin proposes within the month.

The five of them go out to dinner; Tobin, Christen, Alex, Kelley, and whoever Kelley’s latest girlfriend is. (Her name is Michalina, which Alex things is obnoxious and European, just like the girl is, and it also makes her think of a michelin tire. She writes down variations of tire jokes to share when they inevitably break up.)

The engagement dinner is great. Christen and Tobin are happy and in love and Kelley and Tire Girl are happy and in love and Alex is the only person who doesn’t share a dessert with someone, ordering a third glass of wine instead.

She’s too tipsy ( _ I am not drunk, Christen. I’m absolutely fine and I don’t even care that Kelley is with Tire Girl _ . Christen sighs and says,  _ I didn’t ask about that, Alex.  _ And Alex just pauses, confused, before saying  _ oops. _ ) to drive herself home, and Christen and Tobin take her home instead. 

-

She calls a million times the next morning to apologize about them having to take care of her, and they all get sent to voicemail.

Alex is hungover, lonely, and to top it all off, she’s a shitty friend.

-

She and Christen talk later that week, and Christen insists it was fine, because of course she would say that. Because Christen is perfect.

Alex is anything but perfect.

-

Tire Girl breaks up with Kelley after six months. 

She’s going back to Europe, and she  _ can’t handle long distance _ , and Kelley is heartbroken.

Kelley calls Alex, but Alex is in San Francisco for the state championships with her team.

Kelley says “well, can you come back?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because this is important to me, important to my team.” It hurts Alex to say it, because she can hear Kelley’s voice shaking and she can hear her crying.

“But I need you.”

Alex feels this pull in her stomach. She wants to go back, she  _ needs _ to go back. 

But she doesn’t. 

“I can’t, Kelley, I wish I could.” She does wish she could. 

And if the final wasn’t tomorrow, she would. And she knows that.

“I’ll be back in town in two days, tops, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Can you make it till then without me?”

“I can try.”

Alex laughs softly, because she can hear a hint of a smile in Kelley’s voice. “I miss you,” she admits.

In the last six months that Kelley’s been dating Tire Girl, Alex has gotten really good at distancing herself. And it’s been easy, because Kelley’s been so wrapped up in Tire Girl, she hadn’t even noticed. 

But now Kelley is calling her in the middle of the night saying she needs her, and her voice makes Alex’s headache go away and her crying makes Alex’s heart break and her breathing sounds like  _ home _ . 

Kelley laughs softly, and her laugh sounds like everything pure and good that Alex has ever had the chance of knowing. “I miss you, too. So much, Al.”

“So much.”

They fall asleep on the phone that night. 

Alex’s team wins gold the next morning. 

She takes her kids out to celebrate. They settle on Denny’s because they’re thirteen and the Maple Bacon Pancake Sundae they saw on twitter the first day of the tournament was what they settled on to be their celebration meal if they won. 

And they won. So Alex buys 20 Maple Bacon Pancake Sundaes. 

“Coach Morgan?” one of the kids asks, halfway through her sundae with ice cream dripping from her lower lip. 

“Yeah, Steph?”

“Thanks for stepping up to coach us last year.” Steph is the captain, an eight grader with a hell of a lot of potential, and a heart of gold. “We were dead last in the standings two years ago, and this year? This year we won the whole damn thing.”

“Hey, no profane language,” Alex says automatically, but only because she has to. She’s smiling. All the kids laugh. 

“This year we’re  _ champions _ ,” Steph continues. “ _ State _ champions. You did that.”

Alex feels her heart swell and a tear come to her eye. Her kids are all looking at her, grinning, with gold medals around their necks. Her kids are champions. “It’s not all me. You guys have been amazing, these past few years have been nothing short of  _ amazing _ . You guys did that. Kids like you guys, you’re the reason I do this. The reason I teach, the reason I coach. You guys make me so proud.” 

Steph grins. “Thanks, Coach. We all really love you.”

“I love you guys, too. And when you guys are famous soccer players, you know where to find me. I’ll be your biggest fan.”

“You say that like you aren’t  _ already _ our biggest fan,” a different kid says, and Alex just laughs. 

“You got me. Now finish up your sundaes so we can get on the road before you guys make me cry.”

-

When Alex gets back to LA, Kelley is waiting for her in her apartment. 

Alex can’t help but rush to her side, hold her, love her. She talks about her kids and the tournament and the heartfelt talk at Denny’s. Kelley listens, patiently, smiling and laughing and saying  _ aww _ at all the right spots.

And god, Alex loves her. She really does.

-

Things continue with more of the same. 

Alex loves Kelley. Kelley dates other girls. 

Alex has to say bye to her eighth graders, the heart of her team and her favorite students, some of which she’s had all three years at this point, and it’s hard. But she gets new kids the next fall and they’ll be just as excited and lovely as the ones before. 

Christen and Tobin set a wedding date. October 31st. 

“Halloween? That’s so unoriginal,” is the first thing Kelley says at their newly-instated weekly game night. 

“You’re so unoriginal,” Tobin fires back. She moves her character piece, and then grins up at Kelley. “And you just lost. So suck it.”

“You still have to do the last card,” Kelley says shoving the box forward. 

“Like Chris and I would  _ ever _ lose at charades.”

“If you  _ do _ lose, then Alex and I can challenge, and you lose.” 

They’re playing Cranium, and they’re using house rules that are specific to the four of them. Kelley’s girlfriend isn’t here because  _ Alex and I are always partners _ and every time their arms brush or they get a question right Alex gets this jolt and she feels that pull towards Kelley and she  _ hates it _ , but also, kind of, loves it. And she hates that she loves it. 

They get the question wrong. It’s the first time Alex has  _ ever _ seen Christen and Tobin not win at a round of charades. 

Tobin is pouting and muttering about how Kelley must’ve cheated because it’s not even  _ fair _ , she didn’t even  _ know _ that movie, and Kelley and Alex get to challenge. And if they challenge, and get it right, they win. Even though they’re 7 places behind. If they get it wrong, Tobin and Christen win. (House rules. They’re dumb, but it’s one of the many ways they changed it up when they got bored with the regular rules.)

And it’s their turn. Kelley is saying “Oh! Al! You know this one! We watched this together last month, after we got pizza and almost accidentally kissed each other!”

“After you  _ what _ ? Christen asks, glancing between the two of them, because  _ what the fuck Alex, how did you not tell me _ , and Kelley has a  _ girlfriend _ of two months, who has been around suspiciously little. 

Alex doesn’t hear her, too high on the way Kelley is smiling at her because they’re about to win. “The Amazing Spider-Man 2!” 

“Yes!” Kelley stands up so quickly, throwing two fists in the air, that she knocks over a lamp and breaks it. 

“Dude, sore winner much?” Tobin asks, standing to get the broom.

“I’ve never been anything  _ but _ a sore winner, and you are the same way, Tobito. So deal with it.” 

They go to get the broom and dustpan together, bickering back and forth like long-time friends do.

“After you  _ what _ ?” Christen repeats, giving Alex a pointed look. 

“We got pizza?”

“That is  _ obviously _ not the part I was talking about.”

Alex sighs and runs a hand through her hair. “It was totally an accident, we were both so excited about--”

“I don’t need your excuses, Alex.”

Alex sinks in on herself.

“She has a girlfriend.”

“When doesn’t she?”

Christen smiles sadly at her friend. “You need distance. You need to get over her.”

Alex laughs bitterly and crosses her arms. “It’s been almost 4 years. Don’t you think I would have by now if I could?”

Christen moves to sit next to Alex and wraps an arm around her shoulders. “It’ll be okay, Al. You’ll find someone.”

“I already did.”

“You’ll find someone else. I’ll make sure you’re seated with plenty of hot people at the wedding, okay?”

Alex smiles. “Okay. I,” she pauses, then stands from the couch. “I think I’m gonna go home. I’ll see you guys later.”

Alex wonders if Kelley asked why she left. She wonders what Christen told her. 

She tries to tell herself she doesn’t care. She tries not to care about Kelley. 

It doesn’t work.

It never has.

-

_ Three eligible bachelors and TWO drop-dead gorgeous bachelorettes at your table. They’re all perfect for you. Take one of them home. _

_ Is that an order? _

_ Yes. _

-

Alex appreciates it. And she appreciates the five  _ very  _ wonderful people she is seated with. 

She takes one of them home.

He’s good with the sex part, but she soon finds out he hates kids and doesn’t ever want them. 

Dealbreaker.

When she tells Christen, she texts back  _ Were you looking for dealbreakers? You do that. You look for things not to like about people. _

_ I wasn’t. _

_ You’re lying. _

Christen’s right.

-

Four years since Alex met Kelley. Four years since Alex fell in love with Kelley.

Four years of Alex loving, pining, hurting. Four whole years. 

That’s a world cup. An olympics. A bachelor’s degree. A leap year.

It’s too damn long, is what it is. 

-

Alex gets the call from Kelley. 

It’s December 19th. Kelley has been with her current girlfriend for just over 8 months. It’s getting serious. They’re discussing moving in. 

(When Kelley told that to Alex, Alex did her best to force a grin and pretend it didn’t feel like a million knives stabbing into her heart at once.)

But Kelley calls her on December 19th. It’s late. They went to look at apartments today. 

Alex hates that she knows that.

“Can I come over?”

Alex knows this voice. It’s thin and shaky and it means that Kelley’s heart has been broken. 

Alex should say no. She knows she should say no.

She can’t. She never could.

-

“I already got her a Christmas gift. We’d been together for eight months. Things were  _ great _ , what the hell happened? What keeps happening, Al?” Kelley is crying,  _ sobbing  _ into Alex’s neck.

Alex frowns and tightens her grip around Kelley’s shoulders. “I don’t know. I’m so sorry, Kell.” Her heart breaks for Kelley, really. Again.

Time and again, Kelley throws her all into a relationship with a girl that is nice and fun and actually kind of great, and time and again, they leave. Alex doesn’t get it. She watches her best friend get hurt over and over and over again, and it never makes sense.

“And now I don’t even have a date to my office Christmas party. Fucking great.”

Alex laughs, because of  _ course _ , on some level, that’s what Kelley is worried about. 

“I’ll be your date,” she says, before she can stop herself.

Kelley smiles as she pulls away to look at Alex and Alex reaches out to wipe some tears away. “You don’t have to do that.”

“Well of course not, but I  _ am _ one of your best friends. And I love you. So close enough.” 

Closer than Kelley knows, actually. Closer than Alex will admit.  _ I’m in love with you _ , she thinks. The words are screaming in her head, same as they have been for the past four years, and Alex does her best to hide a sigh. 

“Close enough,” Kelley agrees. “You’re the best, Al.”

-

They go to the party.

They aren’t dating, they’re best friends. They’re just  _ that _ close, they always have been.

Everything is warm and wonderful and the Christmas songs make Alex happy and the dumb antlers Kelley insisted on wearing are ridiculously cute and Alex finally feels the most brave she ever has.

She kisses Kelley under the mistletoe, and when Kelley pulls away, she’s smiling, ridiculously big and wonderful and maybe it’s the spiked eggnog or the Christmas magic or- no, it’s none of that. It’s the kiss that she’s wanted,  _ needed _ , for the past four years.

Alex feels warmer and happier than she ever has. 

-

They take a cab to Alex’s apartment because they’re  _ way  _ too drunk to drive and they sleep in the same bed which is normal, and then the morning comes. 

Alex wakes up to Kelley’s pacing at the foot of the bed.

“What’s wrong?”

“Al, I’m really sorry, but I don’t,” she sighs and palms her neck. “I just got out of a relationship and I don’t even know who I am right now.”

“I know who you are,” Alex insists. She gets out of bed and steps towards Kelley but Kelley just pulls away. “I’ve always known.”

Kelley shakes her head. “Al, you’re my best friend. We can’t do this. You’re the best thing I have in this world, I can’t lose you.”

Alex understands, or at least she tries.

She distances herself again because  _ goddammit it’s about time I got over this girl _ and because of that, it seems like Kelley might lose her anyway.

-

Kelley talks to Tobin, because, “You’re in the most successful relationship of anyone I know. How do I fix this?”

“Well first of all,” Tobin says, holding up a finger for emphasis. “I have no idea how my relationship is so successful. I have no idea how I tricked Chris into falling for me. Honestly, she might be under a spell. Second of all, just fucking talk to her dude.” 

“Well I can’t do that.”

“You literally can.”

-

But she doesn’t. 

And Alex feels like Kelley needs to make the first move, because Kelley is the one who pushed her away and she’s worried Kelley will think she’s predatory or clingy or god knows what. 

And Kelley thinks that Alex needs to make the first move because Alex is mad at her for turning her down.

So finally, Tobin and Christen decide to take matters into their own hands.

-

It’s weekly game night. 

They just played Uno and Tobin won easily and then Tobin and Christen look at each other and share that  _ I can’t believe we already have to act like moms _ look, and then Christen starts talking. 

“You two need to stop acting like children. We’re inviting you both over for dinner on Christmas Eve and you’re staying here with us and spending Christmas with us and,” she glances to Tobin again who just grins. “Oh no, we only have one guest room. Figure out your shit.”

“I can sleep on the couch,” Kelley says immediately.

“No, Kelley. Then Santa won’t come.” Christen says it so matter-of-factly that Alex and Kelley are  _ both _ a little intimidated. 

And that’s it. It’s settled.

-

They come over for Christmas Eve. Dinner goes smoothly, for the most part.

It’s only  _ kind of _ terribly awkward with Christen looking between the two of them every five seconds.

“Have you talked it out yet? This doesn’t feel like you guys have talked it out.”

“No,” Kelley mumbles through a mouthful of pie. 

“Balcony. Now.” 

Christen takes their plates from them and starts walking towards the balcony, ushering them outside. 

“Is this gonna work?” Tobin asks once the door is closed.

“It has to.”

\- 

So they talk.

“Why don’t you want to be with me?” Alex asks. She lets her shoulders slump and she looks down at her pie, dejected. “I just don’t understand.”

“I feel like I ruin every relationship I’m a part of,” she admits after a few moments of silence. “I can’t ruin what we have, Alex. I just can’t.”

“I just know you deserve to be treated well. You’re my best friend, I know that better than anyone.”

Kelley frowns. “I  _ have _ to be the common factor for why I’m treated badly.”

Alex shakes her head. “No Kelley, someone will treat you with love and respect and everything good in the world because you deserve everything good in the world.”

“But who, Alex?”

“ _ Me _ , Kelley. I would.”

“But—“ 

“I know. You can’t,  _ we _ can’t. But the fact that  _ I would _ means it’s not you, okay? There’s nothing wrong with you.”

“Al—“

“We should just go to sleep, Kelley. You know Tobin is gonna wake us up early tomorrow.”

Kelley sighs as Alex leaves the balcony and heads to the guest room. She sits there in the cold, looking at the moon, and thinking. Thinking about her life and thinking about Alex.    
She thinks about how those are practically synonymous with each other, and just smiles to herself. 

When she goes into the guest room, Alex is still awake, reading some book that Kelley doesn’t recognize. 

“Couldn’t sleep?”

“Not without you here.”

Kelley smiles softly, because Alex  _ is _ her life. Alex is everything she loves and everything good in this world. 

Alex is everything she’s ever wanted, sitting right here, asking for Kelley to _just_ _let me love you_. 

It’s so painstakingly simple, so glaringly obvious, that Kelley thinks that’s part of why it’s so hard to accept. It isn’t this easy; you don’t just fall in love with your best friend and everything works out from there.

Or maybe, if you’re lucky-  _ unbelievably _ lucky, you do.

“Al,” Kelley says softly, and she waits for Alex to look up at her before continuing. “You would really treat me well?”

“Of course I would. Don’t be an idiot.”

Kelley laughs and sits on the bed next to Alex. “Of course you would. And you really love me?”

“I’ve always loved you, Kelley.”

“And—“

“Kelley, it’s not fair of you to ask me these questions. You don’t get to not want to be with me  _ and _ get the ego boost from me liking you.” Alex looks exhausted and so  _ done _ that Kelley feels bad. It breaks her heart to think that Alex believes she would do that.

“No, no,” Kelley says quickly. “It’s strange, because it’s new. You’re my friend, my  _ best _ friend, and I don’t know how I haven’t seen it before. I don’t know how it’s never occurred to me that everything I want is sitting right here, in front of me.”

Alex’s breath catches in her throat as she looks at Kelley, because  _ this is a dream, this has to be a dream, when did I fall asleep because this a dream _ , but it’s not a dream. 

Kelley smiles her signature smile, just a little bit lopsided and making her eyes crinkle. “You’re everything I want, Alex.”

Alex squeezes her eyes shut and Kelley frowns, reaching out to place a hand under her chin. 

“Is that okay, Al? Is it okay if I love you?”

Alex laughs softly as she opens her eyes, because Kelley is right in front of her and she’s smiling and she’s saying all the perfect things. 

“Say it’s okay, Al. I want you to love me. I want to love you.”

“Of course it’s okay,” Alex finally manages to say, learning in to kiss Kelley square on her lips. Their teeth clash a bit because of Kelley’s adorably too-large smile and that makes them both laugh for a moment and nothing about the moment is the dictionary definition of perfect. 

That doesn’t do anything to stop the fireworks in her chest or the smile on her face or the warmth in her heart, though. 

“I love you, Al,” Kelley whispers when she pulls away. She’s slightly out of breath and it just makes her smile grow wider. “I’m sorry it took me so long to figure that out.”

“It doesn’t matter,” Alex says quickly. “You love me,” she says slowly, almost as if she doesn’t quite believe it. 

“I do.”

“You love me,” she says again as a smile makes its way to her face. 

Kelley laughs and reaches her hands out to rest on Alex’s waist. “I’d appreciate it if you said it back, you know.”

Alex laughs and leans in, burying her face in Kelley’s neck. “I love you, I love you, I love you.”

**Author's Note:**

> hope you enjoyed :) leave a comment or hmu @whatthekellex on tumblr to let me know what you think!! ty for reading <3


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